One Lick to Rule Them All
by Mia3301
Summary: We all know the story about the Fellowship of the Ring... But was it really the way we've been told? Diary of Raina, Gandalf's annoying pupil, will tell you a little more about the journey to Mordor... Parody, no pairings, no changes in the original story. Just a pissed off young Elf trying to catch up with the guys and kick Gandalf's ass for leaving her behind. Rated for language.
1. Lick 1

**LOTR (c) not me.**

**Ladies and gents, may I present to you...**

**A total piece of crap.**

**Probably contains tons of mistakes but, to be honest, I don't care xD**

* * *

Raina Silme, a young Elvish princess from Blahblahblah Kingdom, sent to Gandalf's home at the age of 6 with a cute letter saying:

"Dear Gandalf,

Remember about the money you owe me? Keep it, but that girl is your responsibility from now on.

Make her stay away from Blahblahblah and I'll give you extra cash every month.

the King

PS: She's crazy."

* * *

**PART 1**

_One lick to rule them all, one look to find them..._

_one kiss to bring them all and in the candlelight bind them..._

_in the light of bedrooms where fools get laid._

**This is the secret diary of Raina.  
Read it and you'll have a wooden pin in your ass.**

* * *

_**September 16, year 9283493723 (ie 3018)**_  
Gandalf left me in his excuse of a home and went on a trip. He claims he's going to Elrond's, but I bet the old geezer is at Baggins' birthday party at the very moment. Every year he makes up a lame story and thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for that. Pathetic...

_**September 17**_  
Bored. Cut Gandalf's collection of Playboys in pieces. Felt better afterwards.

The old prick will probably come back in a week, stoned like hell. Those Hobbits are fucking dealers!

_**September 20**_

Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 17

Why? WHY am I always left behind?! If only Gandalf would let me use his magical crap! But nooooo, I can't even go near his "lab"! What an asshole.

_**September 25**_

At dawn an old lousy jade brought Gandalf back. The old guy was stoned even more than usual. Was babbling something about the ring. Hit him in the face with an old rag. He immediately sobered. Told me to go to my room. Wanker.

_**September 27**_

I hope he didn't propose to anyone! I have more trouble with him than with a band of Dwarves! And who is taking care of whom here?

_**September 28**_

Gandalf found his Playboys. Success! A year ago he was so high that it took him two weeks. Was screaming for about five hours without a break, and then told me to pack my stuff and get out of his house. Yes! Sayonara, old fag!

_**September 29**_

Was just about to go, when the asshole remembered that my uncle pays him for "taking care" of me.

Shit. Greedy old pig will never give up the extra cash.

_**October 1**_

In the middle of the night Gandalf realized that he has to go somewhere. Left me alone in this ruin he calls a house, AGAIN! This is unforgivable!

_**October 4**_

Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 6

Poured out Gandalf's creams, ointments and moisturizes into the latrine. All of them! If he doesn't throw me out now, I give up.

_**October 6**_

Received a letter from Aragorn. The answer to the one which I had sent him in July. Dated the 1st of August.

Post in Middle-Earth is going to the dogs!

Arnie claims he did not borrow my Sailor Moon action figures. Bloody liar! He also mentions something about a journey. Why does everybody go somewhere and I'm the only one who stays at home?!

_**October 9**_

Slightly worried about Aragorn. Since he found out he's theoretically the king of Gondor, redneck is prone to gambling and abusing squirrel steaks.

_**October 14**_

Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 9

Old fag came up with additional security. I bet that's some kind of secret crap from Shire! Stupid Halflings, they don't want anyone to see their treasures, especially the Elves!

_**October 18**_

Received the August issue of "Rivendell Monthly". Intend to sue the Middle-Earth Post.

Under the ANNOUNCEMENTS Arwen complains about losing her tinsel, ie necklace. Aragorn certainly lost it again while playing cards with the Dwarves, and now collects money to get it back. Next to this I noticed a big pink thing informing that the Council of Elrond takes place on 25th of October! That's next week! So that is where everybody's going these days! And no one asked me to come! Bloody Rivendell Elves! THIS IS NOT OVER!

_**October 19**_

Was planning to leave for Rivendell at dawn, but came back four times. Keep forgetting important things.

While leaving, broke Gandalf's beloved Marilyn Monroe figure. Hope it kills him.

_**October 21**_

I honestly don't know how Aragorn can feed on squirrels. They are nasty and bony.

_**October 24**_

Met a bunch of orcs. They asked for directions to the Shire. Sent them to Moria. Consider myself a Hobbit savior. After all, no sane creature will go to the dark mine these days.

_**October 28**_

I refuse to eat more squirrels. They have no nutritional value.

_**November 1**_

After so many days of walking in a circle, discovered that instead of in Rivendell, I ended up in Mirkwood. Beautifully.

_**November 4**_  
I give up. Now looking for civilization.

_**November 6**_  
Does the fucking forest never end?!

_**November 8**_  
Found some obscure village. Mirkwood Elves are jerks. They talk like Yoda and do not know how fun can magic crap be. For Gandalf's cap, slippers and a crystal kettle got only a tent, a blanket and a bag of Lembas.

_**November 9**_  
Mirkwood sucks. No fun here. Miss Gandy's ruin.

_**November 12**_  
Found an interesting bar. Elves here much more entertaining.

_**November 14**_  
Damn, that pipe weed is reeeeeeeeeally good!

_**November 15**_  
Jasdjknkjwnkdad

_**November 21**_  
Bunch of stupid Men! I mean Elves... One bar fight and they immediately send me to their king! Apparently he is some scary guy. I don't give a rat's ass, he'll love my wonderful personality.

_**November 22**_  
King Thrandusomething is a nice guy! Was a little pissed off at first, cause some Elves sustained injuries, but when I told him I am Gandalf's beloved student, he forgot about everything right away. Began smoking weed and babbling something about leggings. Finally let me go and the servants dragged him to his chambers.

_**November 24**_  
Thrandusomething not so cool after all. He says my unmoral behavior and swearing has a bad influence on young Elflings. Gave me a horse, lunch and told to get lost as soon as possible. With great pleasure, you old prick!

_**November 30**_  
On my way out of Mirkwood. The local Elves are screwed up more than I thought. Today they organized some kind of parade, they have banners with strange inscriptions. Among the trees I can only decipher a few of them. Most proclaim something like "Valar, protect Princess' Leggings" ...  
They're obsessed with what they wear on their asses.

_**December 2**_  
I'm on the right track! I can feel it!

_**December 6**_  
Will Santa Claus find me here?

_**December 8**_  
Some vile gurgling creature attacked me when I was fishing. Kicked it good. The asshole landed firmly in the heart of Mordor. During the flight was screaming something like "MY PRECIOUSSSSSS".

_**December 11**_  
Damn mountain, fucking hard to get through. Nothing to eat. Hungry.

_**December 12**_  
Not even a damn bush. Still hungry.

_**December 14**_  
Mountain squirrels are less bony. No longer hungry.

_**December 15**_  
End of the mountains! Hallelujah!

_**December 16**_  
I have the impression that somehow I've been walking around Rivendell for the past few days. Now standing next to a sign with the words "Shire - 2 days". Shit.

_**December 18**_  
Hunted a rabbit! Great, fat, delicious! Grub for at least three days!

_**December 19**_  
Was having a picnic on the Weathertop, when a big flying beast landed nearby. Something black with a tin instead of a head jumped from its back. Began waving his little sword, but stumbled on his coat and fell straight into my fire. Farewell, rabbit soup!

_**December 21**_  
Feel a deficiency associated with the tin, which deprived my soup.

_**December 24**_  
Found a tree on which someone carved "Me wuz her – Eztel".  
Note to self: make fun of Aragorn and his Elvish. What an idiot, he can't even write his own name.

_**December 25**_  
I hear some Disco Polo! Getting close!

_**December 26**_  
Finally!  
At dawn, stood before the almighty Grandpa Elrond's cottage.

To be continued... Some other time.


	2. Lick 2

**PART 2  
**

_One lick to rule them all, one look to find them..._

_one kiss to bring them all and in the candlelight bind them..._

_in the light of bedrooms where fools get laid._

**This is the secret diary of Raina.  
Read it and you'll have a wooden pin in your ass.**

* * *

_**December 26**_  
Finally!  
At dawn, stood before the almighty Grandpa Elrond's cottage. Was banging at the door for half an hour, and finally some gay in curlers appeared. After a short name-calling, he turned out to be Elrohir. He said that Gandalf is on his way to Mordor, escorting a guy named Frollo! What a jerk!

_**December 27**_  
Arwen mercifully gave me one of her dresses. It looks like my grandmother's. In the meantime, I also learned that Gandy took Arnie with him, along with a band of dwarves and some leggings ... I'm sure he's got dementia.

_**December 31**_  
Run away. New Year's Eve with those Rivendell assholes is one big gay parade swimming in cheap alcohol. Going to find the old fag. He owes me money!

_**January 2, year 3019**_  
Bravely making my way through bushes. What a place! I miss Gandy's ruin.

_**January 8**_  
Feels like that gurgling crap returned and is following me.

_**January 10**_  
Cold. Freakin cold. Fucking Caradhas, what was I thinking?!

_**January 12**_  
I swear I heard Gandy's voice! Before I managed to know which direction it's coming from, a damn avalanche had swept me. Beautifully.

_**January 14**_  
When I finally got out of the bloody snow, it turned out that I landed on the other side of Moria. Lost track of Gandalf. Shit.

_**January 16**_  
SUCCESS! Sensed Arnie's new cologne! Found the whole circus having a party near some disgusting rock. Everyone was moaning and whining. It turned out that Gandy tripped and fell into the abyss. What a pity. Sayonara, money!

_**January 17**_  
Following Arnie and the company. Redneck from Gondor is coming onto me. Frollo and his entourage are kinda suspicious. Dwarf pretends I do not exist. Blonde chick looks at me strangely. Bunch of morons.

_**January 18**_  
Were walking through the forest when suddenly a bunch of creepy Elves jumped out from the bushes and attacked the Dwarf. Blondie jumped out to help him, but I was quicker. Kicked the Dwarf and he fell before the arrow had stuck into his fat ass. Weirdos turned out to be Lothlorien Elves. Excellent! I wonder if Aunt Galadriel remembers me!

_**January 20**_  
Galadriel had no idea who I am! The humiliation! I shall take revenge... Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side!

**_January 23_**  
There is absolutely nothing to do here! Redneck from Gondor perpetually drunk. Arnie has persuaded me to play poker for money.

_**January 26**_  
Have run out of cash. Now playing for socks.

_**January 30**_  
Have run out of socks. Not even a damn sock in the entire Lorien. Now playing for bets.

_**February 2**_  
Arnie loses. He began to cheat. From now on, Blondie is the referee.

_**February 3**_  
Have run out of ideas. Today was the highest bid. If I win, Arnie screws a guy. If he wins, I sleep with a girl.

_**February 4**_  
Blondie cheating even more than Arnie. I lost one fucking hand.

_**February 5**_  
In revenge, my goal is to do Blondie. The game is on!

_**February 7**_  
Damn. Can't do it when I'm sober. Where do they keep the Elvish hooch?

_**February 9**_  
Will rape her in the bathroom. Perfect place. She won't enter the bath with a bow, will she?  
The hunt starts now.

_**February 10**_  
The first approach fucked up by the Dwarf. Was shaving his pubic hair the entire evening. I puked eight times.

_**February 11**_  
Last chance. Arnie and Gondorian Yeti mutter something about leaving.  
Drunk like hell. Do not even know my own name.

_**February 13**_  
Blondie stripped and raped. I have a hangover and do not remember a damn thing, but Arnie got the proof in the form of pink panties. I rock.

_**February 14**_  
Blondie woke up in Aunt Galadriel's fountain. Galadriel pissed. I have the impression that we'll be leaving really soon.  
Someone left some withered flower and a green M&Ms in my room. Happy Valentine's Day.

I suspect Frollo.

_**February 16**_  
Auntie kicked us out. Gave each of us a sandwich and some crap from an old shed. Frollo got a shiny bottle!

_**February 17**_  
Blondie staring at me strangely. I also suspect that she harasses Arnie sexually.

**_February 19_**  
Woke up at dawn. Just to see Blondie practicing Yoga near the River. Naked.

Went back to sleep.

_**February 20**_  
Analyzing the events of yesterday, I discovered an amazing fact.  
Blondie is a guy.

**_February 21_**  
Still in shock.

**_February 22_**  
In a boat with the Dwarf. Puked 4 times.

**_February 23_**  
Gays of Mordor attack. Hit them hard. They fled.

**_February 25_**  
Argonath. Arnie excited. He sexually assaulted squirrels, which we had for lunch.

_**February 26**_  
Hideous punks from Mordor attacking again. Stole two Halflings. Gondorian Yeti wanted to show off his courage by saving them. Ugly guys made a shish kebab out of him.  
Frollo decided that since half of his entourage is missing, he wants to go somewhere else. His slave followed him. Finally some peace! But they could take Blondie with them ...

To be continued... Maybe next week.


	3. Lick 3

**PART 3  
**

_One lick to rule them all, one look to find them..._

_one kiss to bring them all and in the candlelight bind them..._

_in the light of bedrooms where fools get laid._

**This is the secret diary of Raina.  
Read it and you'll have a wooden pin in your ass.**

* * *

_**February 28**_  
Arnie insisted that we recover the Hobbits. Probably has a fetish for them.  
Now in the woods, searching for traces of the Orcs. I don't know about Arnie, but I know which way they went only by the smell.

**_March 1_**  
Were camping in a dark forest, until we came across a peasant in white rags. He turned out to be Gandy!

Immediately forced him to give me my money back. Now he has only his socks left.

Was babbling for two hours that we let Frollo go to Mordor. Told him to kiss my ass. He shouldn't have fallen into the damn abyss!

**_March 2_**  
Gandy said that he must visit a friend from the good old days. Found us some old ugly jades and we rode to Edoras.

King Theoden is not a normal human beeing.  
Some blonde bitch harassed Arnie, but he misses the Hobbits.  
Blondie still staring at me strangely.

**_March 3_**  
Total Armageddon at Isengard. Sarucrap got his ass kicked. He deserved it, I never liked him! When I was a kid he'd eat all the chocolate goodies during his "work" with Gandy and he'd always say it was my fault! I flipped him the bird.  
Number of slaughtered orcs: 51  
Number of odd / envious glances of the Dwarf: 46  
Number of odd / envious glances of Blondie: one billion

**_March 4_**  
Still looking for the Halflings in Isengard. I bet they're hiding in some kind of a hole and think that's funny. Stupid assholes.  
Number of slaughtered Orc survivors: 12  
Number of odd / envious glances of the Dwarf: 21  
Number of horny glances of Blondie: 2

**_March 5_**  
Found these fuckers with a big tree-guy. Arnie excited again. I suspect that tonight Blondie will be very satisfied.  
Sarucrap exiled.  
Pipshit and Gandy went to Gondor.  
I think I'm gonna puke.

**_March 6_**  
A bunch of soccer hooligans paid Aragorn a visit. He is excited again.  
Dwarf wants to drink with them.  
Theoden wants to go to Gondor.  
Blondie said that I have nice shoes. Does he want them?

**_March 7_**  
Alcoholic excapade continues. Am eager to join, cause there is nothing else to do.  
Blondie alone in the sober zone, so he followed my example.

_**March 8**_  
Woke up naked and high, with Blondie next to me. He got his ass tattooed.

No idea where and when.

Arnie got drunk and entered some Dark Path between the mountains. Me and the others following him.

**_March 9_**  
A gang of Undead Dead Creeps attacked us. Kicked their asses.  
It turned out that they have a debt to Arnie. Arnie excited. AGAIN!  
Undead Dead Creeps are our slaves now.  
Some Creep grabbed my ass.

_**March 11**_  
Sailing.  
Undead Dead Creeps stink worse than this old boat.  
Blondie puked 22 times. Weakling! He should follow my example! I am one heck of an Elf!

**_March 13_**  
Attacked a buch of People. They smell even worse than the Undead Dead Creeps.  
Puked 3 times.  
Blondi maliciously laughs.

**_March 15_**  
Grandpa Sauron's got himself a pretty good army. They also stink.  
Arnie felt like a Superman and attacked the biggest one. Blondie had to save his ass about eighteen times.  
Dwarf not visible. I hope he died.  
Gandy swirling his wand like crazy. I think he participated in some kind of Ju Jitsu course.  
Theoden, pretending to be very brave, calls himself a war hero.  
With a vengeance I killed that flying beast and a Walking Tin who ruined my soup the other day!  
Number of slaughtered orcs: 67 + the Tin + the Flying Beast.  
Number of odd / envious glances of the Dwarf: 50  
Number of odd / jealous / horny glances of Blondie: according to Arnie, about 2187686908

* * *

One more part to go...


End file.
